


Much Ado About Things (We Could Have Had It All)

by Anonymous



Category: Free!, 幽☆遊☆白書 | YuYu Hakusho: Ghost Files
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Alternate Universe - Crack, Background Relationships, Bad Fic, Crack, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Fuck Or Die, M/M, Matsuoka Rin Swears, Men Crying, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Out of Character, Robots, Scientist Ryuugazaki Rei, Sorry Not Sorry, Tachibana Makoto Has A Large Cock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:57:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2218386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Gardening, motherfucker," purred Kurama.</p><p>WARNING: SUGGESTION OF HET. THAT MEANS BOYS KISSING GIRLS. DON'T LIKE DON'T READ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Much Ado About Things (We Could Have Had It All)

**Author's Note:**

> I have tried my best to use actual pre-existing tags and not make up my own terrible ones because apparently those are the standards that I have.
> 
> Heed the tags, yo.

"Scientifically speaking," Rei said, adjusting his glasses, "this new boy with his emerald orbs is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

Nagisa nodded, vibrating slightly the way he usually did when he hadn't guzzled any cum lately. "You're so right, Rei honey. I could just [BLEEEEEEP] him right up and then [BLEEEEEEP] a little on the side and I'd even be willing to [BLEEEEEEEP] as a special favor if he [BLEEEEEEEEEP] considerately."

"I didn't actually catch most of that," Makoto said, "but I think I agree with you. Providing I didn't just agree to something illegal."

"I am also in this scene," Haru said.

Makoto patted him on the head fondly. "That's right, Haru, you are. Good Haru. You get a treat later."

"Hopefully it is mackrel because that is what I like," Haru said.

"I think you're all whores," Gou declared, because she was also in this scene. "Whores whores whores."

Makoto helpfully slapped the redheaded girl in the head.

"Sorry about that," Gou said sheepishly. "I think someone set me to 'Frank Miller' this morning."

Rei clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Rin should take better care of you, Kou-san. It was his decision to rebuild you as a robot clone after that horrifying accident with the mysterious youkai that seem to live in our neighborhood now, after all. He needs to take responsibility for his actions."

"GouGou," Nagisa said egaerly, "are you anatomically correct?"

"Nagisa!" Makoto said, horrified.

"No, I'm curious too," Rei said. "From a purely intellectual standpoint."

"Well, I do have a pussy," Gou explained, blushing (she wasn't actually embarrassed but it was in her programming to do so) "but I have no idea if that means I have ovaries or anything that could let me give birth."

"Who needs ovaries?" Nagisa returned. "Souske gave birth last week and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any. Unless he's a secret hermaphrodite. A really secret hermphrodiate because I don't remember noticing anything when I was sucking his-"

"Yes, Sousuke has given birth," Haru interrupted. "I believe the baby is named Destiny Dawn Natasha Joan Marisa Yamazaki. He's going to raise it himself because he's afraid my abusive ex Rin will hurt the baby."

"But none of that's important right now," Makoto said hastily. "We were talking about the new guy."

"Speak for yourself," hissed Nagisa, who by this point was rubbing desperately against the fence. "I was trying to figure out if I could put it in GouGou. I'm going crazy here!"

Rei made a note of this. "I was under the impression you were homosexual homolithoromantic, Nagisa-kun. This is a new development in my ongoing study of your sexuality."

"And here I just thought he liked taking it up the ass because he's the shortest one," Haru said, but everyone ignored him, though Makoto scratched him behind his ears, so he didn't mind.

"Nah, I'm pansexual, though I only fall in love with guys that aren't interested in me," Nagisa explained, still grinding against the fence, though it didn't seem to be helping matters. "Which is why I love your general indifference, though I am medically required to have an injection of semen several times a day."

"The point is that she doesn't have semen," Makoto said.

"That's right," Gou affirmed. "But I do taste pretty good."

"Heck, I'm flexible," Nagisa panted. "So, MakoTaco, GouGou, Harupuu- anyone want to give me a hand here? Or any other body part really."

Gou pulled off her underwear helpfully.

"Wait, I don't think this is such a good idea," Makoto said quickly. "What if there's chafing? What if you cut yourself? She is made out of metal, after all."

Rei adjusted his glasses. "Scientifically speaking, it's a whole new frontier. Where no man has gone before! I think you owe it to mankind to do it, Nagisa-kun."

"You can come with me," the new boy said, appearing suddenly by the side of the pool, glittery emerald orbs glistening in his hand. "Oh, sorry, these are kind of bright." He pocketed the orbs

"I will happily cum with you, Nameless-chan," Nagisa groaned, limping in his general direction.

"Oh, my name's Kurama," the boy said, pulling a rose out of his hair and posing with it.

Rei frowned. "I was under the impression it was Minam-"

"Look, it's Kurama, no matter what it says on my transcript," Kurama growled. "Now, unless you're all voyeurs, I suggest you move along."

They did, not so much because they actually were bothered by seeing Nagisa get fucked (they had seen it many times before) as because they were all pretty tired and stuff and it was time for a

SCENE CHANGE

 "So, we're graduating soon," Makoto said to Haru, who was sitting in a kiddy pool silently reenacting great Russian works of literature with rubber duckies. Makoto was grilling fish naked, though it had given him a few oil burns in the past. "Rei and Nagisa will need some teammates after we're gone. Do you think we should try and get Kurama to join the swim team?"

"Sure, whatever," said Haru, because he was trying to figure out if Lensky and Onegin should resolve their differences and make out or have a shoot out.

Makoto pulled out his cell phone (let's not dwell on where it was) and punched out a text to Nagisa, telling him to ask Kurama to join the swim team. "I have a good feeling about this," Makoto said. "After all, most of the best swimmers we know have been in Nagisa's mouth."

"Most people we know with a penis have been in Nagisa's mouth," Haru said absently.

Meanwhile, Rin was looking to make up with Haru, so he went by Iwatobi to see if Haru was in the pool. Haru was not in the pol.

"Shit bitches!" Rin yelped. "I don't goddamn want to see this kind of nasty fuck out in the open. That's what hardcore sites are for, you ugly bastards."

"Don't talk that way about Kurama-chan!" Nagisa sobbed, already halfway to his usual post orgasmic weeping session. "He's beautiful, no matter what those girls say!"

"Actually, I don't really care," said Kurama, thrusting casually. "You want to join in, dude?"

"Hell no," Rin said, and walked out to punch a puppy.

Nagisa saw his phone was buzzing, and he reached to answer it.

"Oh, no you don't," said the taller man. "You're mine now."

Nagisa was going to make some kind of confused remark when he suddenly orgasmed all over the pool floor. "Oh, great," he said, once he'd finished screaming. "It took us hours to clean that up last time." Then he burst into tears as the red head pulled out. The loss of a dick always depressed him.

"You are so weird," Kurama said, straightening his tie. "I think I'm going to go now, this is getting awkward."

Nagisa, hiccuping at this point, managed to crawl through the mess to get his hands on his phone. "Oh hey, it's Mako my Paco. He wants to know if you can join the swim team. Hey, Kurama, can you join the swim team?"

"Swimming is lame," Kurama muttered. "You all need to get lives and do something worthwhile."

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it," said Nagisa. "Anyway, what do you do afterschool now? The track team is way lamer."

The taller red haired man turned, cherry blossoms floating past his face. "Gardening, motherfucker," purred Kurama.

"Sure, you make it sound good," Nagisa said fairly, "but I just don't think it would be good for my health. If I can't show off my muscles, I don't see nearly as many dicks."

"I was planning on making you my life mate," said Kurama. "But if you're going to keep answering your phone like that, forget it."

"Yeah, my ass may belong to the world, but my heart belongs to dearest Rei," Nagisa explained. "It would never work out."

"Why isn't Rei fucking you, anyway?" Kurama asked.

"He's apatosexual," Nagisa said, as if it were obvious.

"That answers absolutely nothing," Kurama muttered. "Does he just not like sex, or-"

"He's only attracted to apatosauruses, but since they're extinct, he's basically asexual," Nagisa said brightly. "I'd offer to put on a costume but I might stop loving him then. And I'm not a furry, really."

"Wouldn't that make you a scaley?" Kurama asked. "Actually, wait, I don't care. I don't know why I ever thought I cared. You were a good lay, but I think I regret everything now."

"Well, thanks for helping me out with your cum, anyway," the shorter man sniffed.

Kurama sighed. "Yeah, I think you should get a different sort of help for that by the way. You're gonna end up with all sorts of STDs if you go on like this. And possibly a baby you can't afford to keep."

"Yeah, yeah, you're not my mom," Nagisa grumbled.

"Just a friendly reminder," Kurama said, pulling out his rose whip and wrapping it around a nearby tree. He swung off into the distance, doing his best Tarzan yell.

Nagisa shrugged, and started a reply text to Makoto. HI MAKO I HEART UR BIG DICK WANNA MEET UP L8R HOT STUFF?

Sure, he wasn't horny _now_ , but it was only a matter of time. He had to schedule these things.

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Much Ado About Things (We Could Have Had It All) - Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2233929) by [OriginalMaleDog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginalMaleDog/pseuds/OriginalMaleDog)
  * [Блажен, кто смолоду был молод](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2243004) by Anonymous 




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